Do you ever listen to a song that makes you hold your breath? Something about the melody or the lyrics ring so clearly into your soul that you feel it physically ringing throughout your entire body. The song might remind you of someone you hadn't thought about in a long time and you can feel this dull pain bringing forward an empty place in your heart you'd long forgotten about. Maybe it was an old relative or a friend or lover that slipped your mind after all this time and suddenly a picture of them placed itself right at the front of your memory commanding your attention.
I've encountered this pain recently, but in a weird nostalgic way. Instead of remembering some old lost friend I was reminded of myself, this person that I used to dream of becoming that somehow through the years fell through the cracks of my mind. The dark days of my life let my mind become clouded by someone I never thought I would become. When we're children we dream of what we'll become but now that i've started reaching that age I've realized that is the entirely wrong question. In all of my dreaming of what i would become somehow i'd forgotten to dream about who I would become.
I was listening to a Fall Out Boy song earlier today and I came across their song Miss Missing You. Now I'm a nostalgic type, I tend to fall in love with anything that can bring back feelings or images of the past I guess you could call it a weakness of mine. It doesn't happen often but I came across some lyrics that left me catching my breath.
"Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger,
the person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger" Fall Out Boy
Sometimes it only takes a few short words bring your whole life into perspective. I heard the words and somehow my mind went to myself as a child. I had all of these dreams and ambitions and there was never a single thing that would keep me from making those dreams come true. Now that i've aged and learned about how life "really" works so many of those dreams I had have vanished. I've found myself more disappointed lately in how my life went and at times I try to find someone or something to blame. I usually end up blaming my health, after all it's the most realistic and obvious choice. But listening to that song somehow made me realize the person behind the trigger was me.
I can do more for myself than give excuses for broken dreams. The responsibility for the collapse of the worlds I once created is solely mine and the blame can't be shared. Those broken dreams don't make me a failure though, it's the mindset that it wasn't my own fault that does.
I am long on my way to what I want to be when I grow up, but it's never to late to start dreaming of who I want to be.
I still have so much potential in me, there is a whole solar system of ideas burning inside of me and it's time they got the chance to shine.
